My So Called Drama

Ponderings

2008-12-02T11:48:00.000-06:00

Stress is not something take very well on my own. Could it be that my nature is to make others feel better instead of worse about their situations? I'm always willing to lend a hand, but I think it's time for a change. I'm a 27 single mother of a five year old boy.

My life is pretty routine; I get up in the morning, shower, wake my son, dress and head out the door before the daycare van leaves to drop my son off at school. I go straight to work and take the same path due to the chaotic traffic on IH635. One humor I enjoy about this route is those that I see in the morning traveling on IH635 are stuck just like me. I have so many dreams that I don't will ever be met. It's not so much my fault as I keep finding road block in my path.

I want to graduate from college with hopes to find a Career in writing. I've always wanted to be a writer or make my hobby of reading books a career. I know it is possible but where to start is difficult, do I write letters to those in that field or do I search every square inch of the Internet for useful information? Sometimes I feel my life is a book, that with a turn of a page it can either bore you to tears or make you mad from the choices I make that don't satisfy my dreams. Believe me, the frustration is there for me to succeed and leave the corporate world, but as my significant other always says "its easier to find a job when you have a job." So true! It's not impossible to become a writer, I'm doing it now! I know that there will be obstacles preventing me from finishing my quest for completion but I cannot let that stop me.

There are several authors in the world still trying to complete a life worth of written work. Thesis', biographies, and that unfinished idea you saved to a floppy you never thought to start up again. I have ideas, but as always they come to me in the most inopportune times, when I can't write them down because I'm driving or I forget to bring my mini recorder with me to repeat it. Ugh, I will make a change and it will start many good things.

2008-11-07T16:04:00.002-06:00

I haven't written anything in months, although I have ideas swarming in my head I feel that if I start them they will never be completed. I have plenty of starts for books and short stories but I feel as though they are something I may have to leave behind and start with a clean slate.

Will I be able to see my words in print one day? I want it so bad my stomach flips with a sense of excitement and nervousness. I watch and read these wonderful stories that people come up with and think to myself "I can do this!". Sometimes I wish I had the life of a vampire, though I will bake in the sun it is a small sacrifice to pay in order to live years to accomplish ALL the dreams I have for myself. The mundane office work is just a side step along my path to what I want for myself.

I am proud of myself for starting on one goal - going to college, though the road will be long but in the end it will be MY accomplishment and another gained level to my dream.

2008-07-30T08:31:00.002-05:00

I want to freelance but I can never find a job that I qualify for with my 'green' abilities. The website I go to is a great resource for jobs, but they always seem to much more advance. I know I can handle the challenge but at the same time I work a full time job and can't put in more than 10-20 hours of writing work. I don't want to push myself with longer work times because I start online college course in a couple weeks and to have to keep up with assignments, job and freelancing might be a plate full. Lets not forget that I'm a full time mother.

I think the best thing for me right now is to finish my courses, get good grades and then see where I can go from the finished point. This way I'm not worried about deadlines being met when I can't meet them. It's too bad; I was hoping this would be something I can do on the side, but it will have to take a back seat. No, I'm not giving up just letting the idea store for a while.

Realize

2008-07-02T11:21:00.005-05:00

I've lost some of the heat from this mornings conversation. This is what transpired early this morning while trying to get ready for work.

I wake my son after putting my make-up on. He's all cuddly and loving, he requests a blow of Trix' cereal which I comply. After I have him settled at the table with a blow of cereal and cartoons I proceed to get his clothing ready for the day. I tell him that after he is finished with his cereal to get dressed.

Meanwhile my significant other is in the shower.

I get dressed and put product in my hair in order to fix it for the day's work. As I begin I hear my son arguing the cloths I have chosen for him to wear today. There was nothing wrong with them except he did not like the plaid on the shorts. I told him he would wear them or go naked to school with only socks and shoes on. He begin to whine. At this point a thought presents itself 'Pick your battles'; I've been told this statement for years by my mother, other mothers and friends. So I decided to apply it this morning because I didn't want to get mad or upset because it's just not worth it.

I tell him to quit it and to start getting dressed because after I'm done making my lunch for work we are leaving. I begin to blow dry my hair when I start to hear voices and recognize them as my son and S.O.'s. I turn off the blow drier to S.O. arguing with DS to get dressed I go to interrupt them because this is not what I wanted. NO ARGUING! I try to intervine only of have S.O.'s body in my way to stop them both and to pull rank because the battle was between me and my son, not S.O.

I'm not trying to step on toes only state that this is my battle let me fight it. I am the Commander, I don't need my lieutant to out rank me. Its makes me feel weak and then resentfull to my lieutant. S.O. starts again with DS and proceeds to take away cartoons and legos. This is where I get hot and take it out on my child telling him he better get dressed or he's going to get spanked, which I had warned earlier prior to S.O. getting involved. I'm not tough, it's not in me because I'm more patient, S.O. is unpatient and stubborn. I try to tell him in the best way possible to back off but S.O. takes it as I'm insulting him and that's not going to cut it because then it ends up being my fault and I become the target for his anger.

Lets look at the first problem. First off my first obligation is to my son, to protect, care for and love. My son has developed territory (me being his mother), anyone trying to step into his territory better expect retaliation, undertstandable. Take Male Lions for example, which works because they are both Leo's!!!

A male lion guards his territory as well as his lioness, cubs, etc. When another male lion enters the 1st lion's territory, the 1st sends out a warning roar letting him know, hey you better back off or face the consequences of your actions. If that doesn't work, then there is a battle that begins between both #1 & #2 for territory and lioness.

#1 Lion is my son, he has had his territory (me) for all his life. I have been his mother, father, sibling and best friend. When Lion #2 entered, things changed and Lion #1 felt he was being threaten and decided to be defensive.

I can't balance my two boys because they are not in the same league due to age differences, relationship to me and that they are both boys.

So to continue, I talk with DS and explain to him why he needs to get dressed and do as I say with no arguements, this conversation takes place in my car with no interruptions and distractions. After he understood to the best of his abilities I drop him off at school. Now remember, it is a known fact that in order for a child under the age of 5 to remember things, it takes repetitivness and patience. Not to mention he is only a child and I know it will only get more intense as he gets older.

So on my way to work I call S.O. and apologize for this morning followed by telling him that he needs to quit stepping on me in order to get his point across when punishing MY child. He then tells me that I was not doing anything and that DS was still sitting there not dressed. I know what my child does or thinks when he's like this and I know how to handle it. A child doesn't not force/punishment everytime he decides to act out in order to get something accomplished, hence "pick your battles". Just as adults have their bad days so do children! They are human not robots. So S.O.'s remark was "from now on I won't say anything anymore and I don't want to deal with this shit right now". I explained to him that if it was his child things would be different and I would step back because it is not my place to punish HIS child. Some how this psycology doesn't work on him or he just doesn't care.

I want him to understand that I don't want a person who only takes part in a child's life only to order him about or yell at him but never takes the time to actually PAY ATTENTION to the child. Negative always stands out more then positive because it's more emotionly intense; more positive and less negative. To mention again, Leo's going against Leo's is not a good combination... Walk away when you know you are getting mad that way you don't scare the child/person. Or you will have a problem on your hands...and it won't be the Lion #1.

Freelance Job Cover Letter How To

2008-06-20T16:08:00.001-05:00

Step1

Address the letter to a specific person. If you don't know who handles the resumes, call the company to find the name and title of the person who is doing the hiring. If it is impossible to find the information, then begin the letter with "Dear Sir/Madam:" rather than "To Whom It May Concern."

Step2

Begin the first paragraph by introducing yourself and explaining which advertisement you are responding to. Be specific and included the date and name of the publication where you saw the ad and the position you are applying for.

Step3

Explain in the second paragraph why you are qualified for the job. Relate your past experience to the specific job requirements outlined in the ad.

Step4

Stress your ability to meet deadlines. As a freelance worker, the company has less control over your day-to-day work schedule and needs to have confidence that you will complete the job.

Step5

Make a bulleted list of the companies you have done similar freelance work for recently. If you are a freelance writer, list which publications have published your work in the past.
Step6Conclude with a paragraph clearly stating when you will follow up about a possible interview. Be sure to thank him/her for taking the time to look over your resume.

Hubpage

2008-06-19T10:23:00.001-05:00

As of yesterday afternoon I became a hubber; posting useful information, humor stories and recipes of the day. I'm getting real into it and I hope in time that I will receive a lot of feed back from my work. It's a great way to get madd money at the end of the month, I do believe that you have to work pretty hard and post several times a week. So far I have 6 hubs with in a day and a half, which for me is really good since I'm doing all of them at work. Shssssh, don't tell know one.

Also, I applied to a freelancing job, blogging my online school experience. I haven't yet started but will in July, so cross your fingers for me that I get this opportunity.

One more request, pray I pass the math portion of the Accuplace Test I have to take in order to go to college.

Later Days

Thou Shal Not Get Wasted Again

2008-06-16T10:22:00.003-05:00

A trip to Friday's for a quick bite and a beer or two turned into two beers, followed by a Amaretto Sour then one last beer to for the ride home back to the apartment to change for a bowling birthday party.

Honestly, you think I would have some kind of control with my age. Phfft!

At 8pm we arrived at Bowl O'Rama in Rowlett, while waiting for the other to arrive we decided to take a crack at playing air hockey, I said 'shit' out loud around little kids; real mature of me. Not only did I loose; I lost bad! 7 to 1 Robert...there went my trash talking skills out the door.

By the time everyone arrived and we had are names listed for the bowling lanes the Ole' Amaretto decided to pay a little visit by making me more incoherent.

I don't remember the ride home, I'll I know was that my pants were wet due to inappropriate use of beer on my crouch and fighting with Robert which lasted about a minute when I was told to go to bed. I was a Bad Girl!

The next day was followed by paying homage to the porcelain Gods and my Love's A&M Blanket covering my from the horrid sun.

It took 3 large sized Diet Coke's to make my headache and dehydration to disappear.

Never Again, or at least that drastic or soon.

Decision's

2008-06-13T10:00:00.002-05:00

To be made for the future.

My plan is to continue on with enrolling into college to work on getting my associates in English/Journalism under the Public Relations Degree plan. I've also decided in order to become a book critic I need to start trying to get my foot in the door. I've had some amazing people and friends help me with much needed advice, ideas and opinions. I will start a blog for the books I read to get started in becoming a book critic. Hopefully, something good will come of it.

Thank you Jay for listening to my constant rambilings yesterday afternoon regarding school, reading and writing.

A State of Confusion

2008-06-11T10:22:00.002-05:00

I have been an Insurance CSR for 8 years and one day I decided that I would get my degree in Business so I can advance within the Insurance Industry. Until I realized I don't want to do this shit anymore. I always settled with what was in front of me and took the bad with the good. I've had enough of this never ending cycle of bitches in the office bitching and bringing their dirty laundry to work, unsatisfying work, negative atmosphere and under paid position.

I made a decision to take the opportunity college provides by figuring out what I want to do with my life. I'm only 26, still considered young and have plenty of time to make a career change. I saw on a web page this lady posted that she was 25 and was in need of a serious career change, there was my sign! I thought of all the things I could purse with this new found excitement...acquisition editor, publicist, hairstylist, business women that works for a toy, comic or magazine company. The ideas are endless and I so wish I had more then one life or at least be transformed into a vampire for the longer life, to do all I want.

I've scoured the internet in hopes to find something that grabs my interest. I've decided to start at our local community college and major in English and possibly a minor in journalism. I'm hoping with those decisions the career center at the college will point me in the right direction. The only problem I'm running into is that most publishers/editors are located in NYC, unfair!

It is impossible for me to relocate. So I'm out asking questions for anything relating to the book world.

New Year

2008-02-27T13:14:00.001-06:00

Might as well break it in late, huh? I have a few tricks up my sleeve this year and hoping all will pan out within the next five years.

Several things in the works:

My sister has decided at the last minute to change the wedding date and location to Las Vegas and June 5th (which i'm sure will change too.)

Going to Alabama Gulf Shores, Orange Beach w/ Shirl, Butch and Baby (giggles).

Try to fit a weekend trip to Florida to see my Dad/Best friend Shauna (eventhough she will be here around the end of the year holiday)

We've moved into a new apartment, Robert and I. Trying like heck to get that place organized and lived in by buying things here and there. The move itself wasn't too bad. Sometimes I'm just too tired to do anything, I think tonight I will just serve dinner and get lost in a good book and play with Hayden, of course after a grooling workout of TURBOKICKsmyass. It's for a good cause, and for viewers of me in a bikini! Bah!

2007-06-19T11:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Love,

This letter is written in nerve racking thoughts. It’s been quite hard for me to get over the fact that I think you are falling into a slump of stubbornness and not realizing the consequences. I love you and nothing will ever change but this inner struggle I’m having is killing me. I want to so badly tell you to ‘Get off your ass, quit staying up late and get a job’. But, I know that I must not do for it will only make things worse for you and our relationship.

I’m trying very hard to stay positive and pray that something will come along but like all good things…you have to fight for them. I have this feeling that if you continue like this you might never get anything accomplished, just sit and wait for things to come to you when it doesn’t work that way. I know I’m a different person then you and we both have different views on drive and ambition but I have to have strong ones or I wouldn’t have Hayden or the things I got.

Not only that I feel I’m getting punished for you not having a job. Your mom constantly is asking me what you’re doing in looking for a job and that you need to get a job. I know she’s worried but I’m also getting the butt end of ya’lls quarrels. Your attitude towards me when I ask you about the job and I know it ain’t helping but you have to understand I’m trying to get you motivated. Not only that, I’m loosing sleep when you are up late on the computer. Look I’m not trying to make you feel bad but you’re staying up late playing on the computer when you should try to sleep so you can get up early the next day to find a job. Most jobs don’t want to see people late in the day or after Wednesday’s.

Please babe, try to get out of this stubborn slump. You need to cut the ties off the grudge against your other job and move on. The only people that live on unemployment are welfare types and you know it.

You can do this love I know you can.

If you want to talk about this or feel this is enough or whatever…I’m here.

Love you with all my heart.

Understanding

2007-06-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not trying the be a jerk only trying to help you do what's best not just for you but for everyone. My nature is not to boss or nag people to death but the feeling i get when you are just sitting there it that you have no drive or motivation to do anything. I know your a hard worker when a task is set before you but what drives me and a few said others crazy is that you do it when its most convienent for you, wrong!

Its not about convienence, it's about responsibility and pride in what you do. If I didn't have those two things myself I would not have my son or the life I have made for us. I believe that the position you are in was put upon you. You lived your life as a prince, someone always doing things for you rather then actually having you do it on your on and having the satisfaction of completing the task.

I love you and you know it and I'm not bashing you or faulting you because by no means am I better then you or anyone else. I'm trying to protect you from what is to come. I think these last two weeks have been trying on our patience, relationship and living. There are times when all I want to do is yell at you for being so nonchalant and uncaring. For sitting there everyday while life outside your four walls carries on with out a glance in your direction. You may think I shouldn't worry about it but your wrong. I wouldn't worry about it if it didn't effect me.

You have these amazing ideas on what you want to do with your life and I feel that more I give you support the more I'm disappointed by you not taking action on them. Because for the life of me I want that for you, not as a selfish person but as someone who can say, hey you did this and all you need was a hand in the right direction. I hope you see it that way and not as a naggie, bitchy wife to her husband.

This changes nothing in my heart or mind, it only strives to see what may come of all this. To see someone who has these opportunities when I don't and I think that's what it comes down too. Jealous of not being able to do the things I want and knowing you can any time.

Night Time

2007-06-01T14:09:00.000-05:00

I didn't think it's possible to feel like you fall in love all over again with someone you've been with for over four months. Everytime I get near him I feel as if I can't love him any more without smothering him with it. But just like that he feels the same way. Can a person be so lucky to have someone like him, yes!

Last night was one of the best nights (aside from the other best nights) it was like my skin was on fire begging to be touched so he could feel my heat radiating off my body. Boy did he touch...his hands worked magic all over and every inch of my body; sending jolts and tingeling sensations throughout my body. I've always read in my novels about men who cause this kind of passion and the women who read these wanting this too. I wouldn't say I was searching for it, it's more like I waited...patiently for this to happened to me because I knew in my soul that other part of me was out there waiting like a lion in the grass stalking it's prey.

I asked my friend Dani one day if our lives are like the books we read and we just don't take the time to see it in that context. I believe mine is and her's is of a more erotica volume...haha!

I love that the day after an evening I had I can sit and go over it in my head and pick out the bits and pieces I enjoyed or replay the whole scene. Even when we hit a bump in the road during our enjoyment I was still please to get what I want..even if I couldn't give it.

I'm not upset just frustrated because I want it to be me that is able to do it and have it all over me. (only two people will know what that means...aka manhoo) But not to worry many more nights like that I feel our headed our way.

I think the most I loved about my night was that every time I turn he was with me, holding me, kissing me and telling me he loves me so much. His words are so strong that I swear I can feel everything he does and that makes me want to cry in happiness because the emotions are too strong to keep in. I will never loose this man and I hope that he knows more then just knows...he feels it.

The Punching Bag

2007-05-30T10:04:00.000-05:00

Everyone has been here at some point in their life.

I get this feeling I may be that punching bag. Things were good all weekend....until one night all heck breaks loose and now I feel as though I may be somewhat the cause of the problem or partially the problem.

Here is my reasoning:

my relationship has no limits...I sleep with boyfriend in bed at parents home. I'm 25, him 22 so obviously the of age factor is out the window. Not to mention I've been married and have a 3 yr old child unless I'm the virgin mary (thanks Zach for that one).

Sunday Night Mishap:

arguement over brother regarding sleeping with his girlfriend in the same bed.

Reason's to Surrender:

First you don't argue something that's not your problem with your parents, that will get you no where.
Second, don't expect anyone to side with you, unless you are a young horny male.
Third, don't take something that can be settled with fine and the end of argurment to full out fighting and everyone saying things they shouldn't.

Understanding:

I understand that brother is graduated and is about to turn 18. BF doesn't see the problem since we sleep with each other. <----those words right there may be the problem. Mother gives us the exception but doesn't think it's fair to her #2 son since he can't with his gf.
She's has in her mind that brother's gf's mother wouldn't appreciate it and think that she just doesn't care for what her boys do.

Problem with Arguement:

Liquor, tempers, attidudes and me not around to stop or calm down bf.

Now I'm dealing with another bag of stuff. BF gets canned and I'm trying to make him feel better but feel that my efforts are pointless because he is now aware of everything that happened over the weekend, he's holding a gruge just like his mother and is pissed at his ex-job. She refuses to talk to any of us.

I'm a little peeved because she should have talk to me when she had time to but didn't. After she told me she would talk to me later...later may never come.

I know I shouldn't bother with this because it's not my fight but I feel just as responsible and a feeling that I need to some what fix it or at least make it more bearable. There is so much more to worry about then this crap and in time it will eventually blow over, but when? Maybe I'm just not use to this sort of behavior because I'm the type of person that lets someone know right then in there what's the matter with me or what I find is the problem. Its not an arguement I'm trying to start it's a "get it off my back or the elphant out of the room".

This is where the punching bag theory comes in. You may not be the problem that cause it but you will feel some of the heat coming from the furnace at some point. I felt it all day yesterday to the point I wanted to scream. If I'm not the cause of it then quit treating me as if I was because it hurts and makes me feel as if I have to walk on egg shells around everyone.

I love my bf and I would do anything...and i mean anything to help him no matter what...even if it's only just being there as a quiet being. I know he has a problem with our relationship that he's never had one like this...love is in the mix, and the length of it is the first time he's ever had one like this. I just want him to understand that this is how it works...I wouldn't be so open to him if it was just dating...but it's not..I'm glad it's not but that's the catch 22.

Nice Days

2007-05-14T13:33:00.000-05:00

This weekend has to be one of the most greatest weekends with Robert. Aside from all the "personal" attention I was given it was wonderful.

I love the way he tells me he loves me...you have your normal ' love you's' but on our way to Mesquite Saturday he just looked at me and told me he loved me in a way that made me close to tears and want to grab a hold of him and never let go. Not the first time he's done that and every time he says it in that way I tell him how sweet he sounds...it makes me feel that when I tell him I love him back it's not as strong but I pour everything into it. So no matter how I say it it will always be just as strong as the last time.

I know this will last forever. The thought of loosing this relationship hurts to even think or imagine it. I told him this weekend that when I get upset with him it hurts my heart because I don't want to be like that with him.

I'm glad to be with him.

Some People Suck

2007-05-11T15:59:00.000-05:00

I've learned over the past few years that the people you thought trust worthy are actually just as bad as your enemy's. I gave a lot of thought to this theory this past week. I've come to realize that even your own flesh n' blood can betray you and would happliy watch you go down with the ship.

For example,the women who brought me into this world has not only taken away my self esteem at an early age and treated me more like prey rather then an actual daughter strikes again. She claims that I have ruined her credit and the future of getting her house built and her range rover. I would love to tell her were she can stick those items and ideas but I just don't have it in me.

Talking with my aunt last night she mentions to me that my heart is to big and wants to see nothing but the good in people. I believe that is one of my biggest faults. I can't do confrontation well because when it comes to the act I just freeze up and then curse myself later because of the things I would have like to say or the come backs. I'm hoping in time that I can stick up for myself and learn to say I've had enough of this shit.

I know I've gain some confidence but it depends on the person and the situation. I just wish when it came to my mother I could tell her that I've had enough and if she doesn't change her path she won't be seeing me or Hayden cross it. I hate to do that to her because I know she loves him but her love always costs and frankly I just don't have that kind of budget.

No more hope or faith is going into my mother

Rip of Artists

2007-04-11T15:18:00.000-05:00

So my son goes to daycare that charges me a big sum weekly. On top of that every friday they ask the parents to fork out more money so that they can send out for food for the kids. Example: Cici's, McDonalds, etc. Now I'm already paying for him to stay there to learn, be watched and socialize with kids his age.
Why the hell are you making me pull more money out of my bank account, which is deminishing by the day, to pay for this stuff when you make plenty of money off of me and 200 other parents who pays daycare fees when you can easily take it out of that pot and use it?!
Now I get this flier yesterday telling me that this lady is coming in and taking orders for a KNOCK OFF Build a Bear Company so kids can have more toys and crap for us to clean up at home and pay for on top of our fees. I shell out $30 bucks for this stupid thing and when I get to work i discuss this with a fellow employee who also happens to be a very good friend of mine. We get to thinking, then searching the web for this company. Finding out it's a independent company for fundraiser or people looking to make a quick buck or lazy ass that don't want to get a REAL job. Now, this is a matter of opinion so if you do this sorta of thing on top of a REAL job then I pat you on the back for trying to make ends meet. From what I gather this 'consultant' is taking orders then sending them off to be built instead of like Build A Bear were you do it all there. If I'm going to being paying $30 for this, my son is going to be stuffing that crap in the animals fur instead some idiot making less money then minimum wage. I'm tired of paying for things I dont want or feeling bad because someone else has it and my son is giving me those puppy eyes. So....
Firstly, I want my money back asap. Second, I'm tired of forking out extra money when they can take it from the amount I pay weekly. Third, this is ridiculous making me feel bad for my child not getting one of these because another kid might get one in class by making my child ask "where is my toy mommy."
I thank you for that btw.
So later today I will be taking this conversation up with the director of the daycare along with my cancellation letter for the KNOCK OFF BEAR and asking for my money back.

Can also be seen on my myspace account: www.myspace.com/nickel1899

2007-03-30T10:38:00.000-05:00

Am I selfish for wanthing the attention of my love? To throw a fit because he spent an accumilation of two hours on the computer rather then with me. Now don't get me wrong I dont mind him playing his game, that's not it. But if we only have a few hours before we go to bed and get up to go to work, don't you think you should as least spend most of it with me?

Does sound kind of selfish maybe even childish.

The time I didn't spend with him I was in the living room eating with his mom watching a program on TV. He took a nap which is fine he needs his rest besides it was only for 20-30 minutes. I had a good time while i was there so it wasn't as if I was grumpy or anything. I just wanted his attention.

Grant it he stayed with me on Wednesday but there again...only a few hours of his attention because he didn't get in till after 9 from a softball game.

I think I'm losing it in some form or fashion. I was fine Sunday evening, Monday and Tuesday without him, though I missed him. It's when I'm around him that's when I go crazy...wanting his attention, his love and eyes on me. It's almost a craving not to have him close to me, even though I know he's right there.

Jeez this sucks.

I apologized to him for acting silly when I mention the time not with him because he spent two hours on the computer. He asks me why and I say for being selfish. What did I get in return? Nothing, not a single word, no I love you, okay or him grabbing me and holding me. Not even through the night. I was hurt and couldn't sleep for crap last night. So now I'm moody, irritated, tired and have a headache. I just want him to understand why I was so upset. *sigh*

Changes

2007-03-26T12:06:00.000-05:00

There are ups and downs throughout our lives. I'm made several downs before I was able to get back up. In order to be a stronger person we need to be able to stand on our own two feet. Whether its by our own undoing, being pushed or shoved down.

I didn't know what I wanted from any relationship i started with both Erik or Jay. I wanted someone to pay attention to me to tell what a great person I was, to help me find my back bone. It was hard to do what I did to the two people I cared about the most and still do in some way, in their own special way. I know that I could never have a sucessful relationship with either one due to the faults I saw in myself and in them that I know as a person I could not cope with in a longer term basis.

I kept to myself for so long after Jay that I didnt leave the house or interact with anyone not even my family. What happend to us was a mixture of analyizing our relationship when he was not around. I had one friend who helped me figure out what it was I was looking for and what that relationship was about, Dani. She helped me find a way to stick up for myself and my needs/wants. It helped me clear my mind and change as a person. I'm the type of person who cuts the relationship off over something so small that I know I may not be able to stand in the future or in time will make it grow into something big. If I know that the relationship is not going to work in the first few weeks I cut it off at the knees.

I've learned to take the good with the bad and to see that the good can sometimes out way the bad.

Ive met someone like that...he is a dominant, self sufficent and loving man. I see no faults but I also dont go looking for them. I have my own that can compare to his. I'm not annoyed by his presence or his goofiness because we are both on the same level. The way we think the way we laugh and get along. Just as I can be out of the box, so can he, I dont have to change myself in order for him to accept the way I am. He loves me for me and all that in tails.

I dont look at him and ask myself if I see a future with him because right now if I add that into the mix I will scare myself and begin to push him away. When he's not around I can't help but reach for him. When he is around I need to know he's there beside me, his hand in mine, his foot on my leg, his head in my back when we sleep, his arm slung over me or his hands reaching and pulling me into him. He's not only like this when we are together but also in public. I never have to worry about anything when I'm around him or without him.

I hope that this will last and I will work hard for it too.

Update

2006-11-28T10:13:00.000-06:00

Since someone told me the other night that I needed to update my blog. Here I go.

I've had some interesting thing happen to me in my life the past few months.

1) Met a wonderful person who became my friend instantly.
2) Told him I felt that I knew him so much and worry about him that I love him like a friend.
3) I am now divorced after trying for the last three years to tear away from the man.

But now I'm with a wonderful, smart and amazing man who loves me for me and never wants me to change. I have spent my entire adult life looking for this person...finally I stop looking and wouldnt you know God put him directly in front of my path. Jay has given so much from such a far distance. Love, strength, guideness, encouragement and stubborness...lol! I'm blessed to have him and I don't ever want to loose him.

Under Construction

2006-08-15T15:24:00.000-05:00

Well, I finanly submitted my work on the Kelley Armstrong board so my fellow board members could edit my story. It wasn't to bad after they were done with them, in a way they actually help me a great deal. They made me realize things I need to change, correct and possibly delete. I'm thinking of 86ing the whole Kyle approach flash back. In my story I had the main character flash back to a a relationship that last a little long then one date. Her position in the story doesn't let her date humans because they wouldn't understand her supernatural abilities along with the fact she can only mate with her own to produce children.

If you are wondering what she is; she's a werewolf.

From what I got from the people who edited my work, I seem to be writing in third person by mixing a lot of past tense with the present tense. Now, this is were I got confused and had to do a little be of research. I know some things and I'm sure I know this subject but it's been a while since I've attended school and somethings just don't jump in front of my brain without a little nudge. A excellent blog site was pointed out to me by Bluemoon. I printed out so that I can make my notes and if I need to re-read it a couple hundred times. I'm hoping with the new notes I wrote today I will have a new approach to my book also more fuel to the fire.

I think it's time to start a new goal, definitely will need to get back on that idea.

Found my Knack!

2006-06-28T16:19:00.000-05:00

okay so here's thing. For those of you who didn't know I want to be a writer and of course see my work published. Well, for the past few weeks I been having trouble with what I'm going to write about, not genre but the story. I was doing a little research on some of my favorite authors when I came across Angela Knights blog spot. I got to reading it and thought, holly shit! this woman is Awesome. She affirmed my faith in writing about sex, not the porno type but the romantica/erotica. Between her and Sherrilyn Kenyon they both offer a great story with a great looking man we girls all want in our bed not only that a great plot too.

I don't know how many times I picked up a romance read hoping that one of the authors has step out of the safe sex box. Only to be disappointed with the fact that I can't even get excited. Ugh! Face it girls, we want something that going to pretty much get us off without a man. We need to be primed first.

So, it's back to the story I'm currently working on with a new angle to make it a even more enjoyable read.

~~Nicole

2006-06-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

5th day of May 2006

This weekend was Garage Sale weekend! Had quite a few people come by in the morning. Texas weather is not for the weak, let me tell. To humid and the heat to intense. It's not like Arizona or Vegas were is just heat rather then humidity. You would think Texans would get use to it but you know what they say, "if you don't like the weather now, wait five minutes it will change", ain't that the truth. Saturday eveing I rented two movies. Rumor has it & Nanny Mcphefee (I know I didn't spell that right), they were both good. My son and I stayed up late to watch Nanny Mcphefee then I put him to bed. My husband was already down for the count since he had woke up at 6 to go fishing. After I laid my baby to rest I did a little light cleaning and headed to my office to clean it up and write a little. I had to take advantage of the quietness of my house and no one to interrupt me.

I changed what I wrote the other day and felt more comfortable with the idea of how I will protray my main character's flashed to the past. I also started my outline for a fey book. I just love to read about the pretty people. Haha! I'm going to do a total 180 on them because the books I have been reading with the fey in them are not what I like. I might make them more on the elven side. So this afternoon it's off to half priced books to see what kind of refernce information I can find.

Keep Writing.

Book Goal

2006-05-26T12:49:00.000-05:00

The new record as of today is 40 books read since the beginning of the year. Yea! I still fear that I will not reach my goal of 125 books but you never know.

My own novel seems to be taking off at a pretty good start and I hope to get quite a bit accomplished this weekend since its a three day weekend. So tonight I'm going to buckle down and write, write, write. I've also noticed that it's nice to reading my favorite authors blogs too. I notice they are no different than me and deal with day to day things. Well, I better get back to work. Policies don't check themselves.

Nic

Juicy Fruiter

2006-03-03T08:40:00.000-06:00

Juicy Fruiter

I saw your post on my blog. I guess that's good thing. It's better then what I've got in the past. Porn sites and crap like that, hmm... So you like Juicy Fruit, interesting I'm a Orbit gal myself. How is the Park Ranger life? What all does your job require you to do?

Hope receive a message back.

Nicole

New Book

2005-12-28T10:04:00.000-06:00

Morning All! I'm at work writing this so I will have to make it short. Just got done reading Guilty Pleasures by Laurell K. Hamilton, it really wasn't that bad, a little cliche. Guilty Pleasures is a book about a woman named Anita Blake aka The Executioner, she has the ability to raise people from the dead and does a little slaying of vampires on the side. Now she dosen't got all Buffy the vampires slayer because she doesn't have that kind of strength and drama. Anita basically needs to find out who the Headmaster Vampire's Killer. Did that make since? Not poorly written and if you have a good imagination as I do then you will not be disappointed.
It's actually a series of vampire books, it was a recommendation at the bottom of a screen on Amazon.com when I was reading other reviews on Charlaine Harris's Southern Vampire Series (now there's a good one I diffentely recommend this series). LOL! If your into vampire tales I would pick this book up because it's different from your everyday Anne Rice books.

Let me know what you think.

Nic

Morning

2005-10-11T08:48:00.000-05:00

Hello All! At the office today updating information before the rest of my co-workers come in for the day. Well, I think I found what I'm going to write about in my first book. I would use the word novel instead of book, but I don't feel I'm novel status just yet. I hope all of you are showing some type of flare for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Well, I will pop in here later I don't have much going on upstairs since it's still morning.

Nic

Enough!

2005-09-30T08:42:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a little bit tired of these stupid, that's right I said stupid people entering ad's in my comment's section. If anyone happens to find my blog can you please let me know if there is a way to keep this from happening?

I'm reading a new book today and I highly recommend it if you are a writer or just an avid reader. The book is called 'On Writing' by Stephen King. I didn't realize how funny he is till I started to read his book.

Nic

Journaling

2005-09-28T16:40:00.000-05:00

At work its 2:35pm and I'm freezing my butt off. I can't understand why they keep the air conditioning so damn cold in this office. Joe sitting next to me and all he seems to be doing is making emotional out bursts about his stocks going down and buying the 'new thing' off the internet. The Boss is in, seems to be 'putting out fires' his phrase, not mine. I'm a little uncomfortable right now, having just had a late, and long lunch. It's quiet now, I heard that if everything seems to go quiet for a second it means an angel just flew over. Hmm...wonder if that's true. Getting sleepy just sitting here. I wish I could pick up this book that's laying on my desk. I swear I can hear it calling my name 'nicole pick me up and read me, you know you want to', Ha! I just notice my desk looks horrible and I have nothing to clean it with except napkins and water from the tank.

I sit here at times just staring, not into space but sometimes at my No-Ho Hon. Its this solar powered desk top toy that works like a bobble-head but in a not so creepy way. Let's hope that the boss leave's soon so I can pick up the book.

Writing Info

2005-09-27T11:20:00.000-05:00

Here are a few things I found out about writing beginners from one of my favorite authors. There are four elements of writing. Plot, Style, Character Development and Length. Oh, and genre is a very big word that is used quite a bit in the writing world. So, today I'm going to the library to check out a book called "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. Maybe after reading this book I will be able to have a better insight of what I want to write. I have such a great imagination that I find myself leaning towards fantasy because there I can make characters that are in my mind the way I want them to look. I guess we will wait in see.

TFR!

Nic

I've Decided

2005-09-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

I want to become a writer. Sorry, fiction writer. Ha! first things first...were do I start. I guess I should start a story line and fill in the blanks. Or! get a journal and see were the mind travels. hmmm...not going anywere at the moment. I will however, post what I have so far when I begin the story.

Comments

2005-09-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

Okay if your going to visit my blog please do not put links for dating. That's just crazy.

Friday! So excited not much planned for the weekend excepts to get my hair cut. I think this time I may go shorter and punky! Why not look my age. Re-reading all the Harry Potter's up to book 6. You can also find me on the leaky-cauldron as NickelHP. Hope you all got a chance to view the second trailer of GoF. It's incredible! I mean it's way different in the book and some of the things they did are different from what I imagine them to be. Which I notice a lot of people felt the same way I did too. But I'm not the director so maybe he saw it a lot more differently when he read the book. I guess if you are the director of any Harry Potter movie your imagination has to be huge.

Lastnight on my way home I was thinking about writing my own book. I have a wonderful story imagination. The only thing is my grammar is horrible i.e. this blog. Ha!

Well you muggles have a wonderful day!

Nicole

Updating

2005-09-07T10:02:00.000-05:00

Hello All! I'm at work like usual playing on the internet. Went on to JKR's website and found all seven items for my scrapbook I keep seeing that other people have seen more but I haven't. I would however like to know what's behind the door. I'm re-reading books 4-6 of Harry Potter and also have checked one from the library called 'The Eyre Affair'. It's kind of weird but not boring...hmmm? Haven't bought any new books but I did by the nintendo DS lastweek but don't care for any of the games that are out now. I'm just waiting for Harry Potter and the GoF to come out for the DS and Animal Crossing.

Updated Profile

2005-08-16T09:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I updated my profile on blog. If someone comes and views my blog who has made there blog unique without useing the standard template let me know I'm interested in changing a few things and I would hate to mess up the blog completely. On Sunday the 14th I made used my cookie gun for the first time and took picture's of the mess for the my scrapbook of me. I also worked on putting my son's old clothes into storage boxes, cut coupon's from the Sunday paper, and did some laundry. Dh was in a horrible mood so I just ingnored him most of the day because I wasn't going to let him ruin my day. I'm at work as usual making this blog I need to try and make more use of this blog system. Maybe I would get more comments if I did. Who know?

2005-08-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

I have been pretty busy learning the ways of the Blog. I hope that when you visit it you can tell me how you like it so far and if you are a fan like me of Harry Potter I would greatly appreciate your comments.

CoS

2005-08-11T09:24:00.000-05:00

I just started in a new message board this week called 'Chamber of Secrets' and I would tell were to find it but then what would be the fun in that? Plus, if you are a bug fan you would know what that title means. Just popped in to get my url for the site.

Bye!

Drama 3

2005-08-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

Hello All! It's Friday morning. Projects for the weekend are 6x6 girly pages for a fellow scrapper. Working on a maze book by putting embellishments on it. Going to a neighbor's house to scrap the night away.

Drama 2

2005-08-03T15:04:00.000-05:00

At work as usual but I have taken this time to vent about work. It's interesting when you are on the way to work and hope that the day will go as you wish it would. Wrong! Trying to teach old dogs new tricks is exactly what I'm going through right now. It's so horrible I'm think I might slap the next person who says another smartass thing. I think my job is depressing me because I can actually feel the mood change in me. Hopefully when I get home my mood will change.

Drama 1

2005-08-02T14:55:00.000-05:00

Like normal I'm at work. Worked some more on my Paper bag albu, lastnight only to be interrupted by my sister. Inlaw's came over but were gone by seven and MIL made a wonderful dinner but tasty and healthy. At work right now and notice that for some reason I'm actually marketing so I can get somemore incentives for Christmas this year. I would like to get my list done by late October. Told Dh lastnight that I already started my Christmas list but I also mentioned it was cheap this year because I want more gifts under the tree to make it look full. haha! Well, I'm going to cruise the Two Pea's website.

Harry Potter 6

2005-08-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Finished Harry Potter 6 Sunday evening. I would just like to say it is a sad day in the Harry Potter world. Thank you Ms. Rowling for keeping the series going and for such a wonderful imagination. I'm at work today doing nothing again for the millionth time. I guess I shouldn't complain since I'm not having to work. lol! Well, until later!

At Work

2005-07-28T15:01:00.000-05:00

Went to Home Depot this afternoon at lunch hour to get some bug killer. Boy doesn't that sound gruesome. Talking with Cheryl and surfing the web. <----I don't think anyone uses that term anymore. Cheryl is making faces on the messenger. One of the co-workers isn't going to be here tomorrow so I'm excited about that!

Paperbag Albums

2005-07-21T15:42:00.000-05:00

Looked for Paperbag album ideas. Found on that I thought was really cute. Had quite of few quotes I liked to I copied them into my scrapbook journal for use.